Unlocking the mystery of PDA

When I was young, any physical contact with a girl was a BIG deal. Such a big deal, in fact, that 2 things happened:

1. When it happened, I’d immediately freeze in that position, so as not to disconnect from the physical contact

2. We’d never speak about what was happening, or what happened (until days later when one of us would write the other person about our “moment” in a sappy love letter – back in those days we wrote on paper, can you believe that?).

The reason for number 1 was that I was coming from a poverty mentality, i.e. it was almost a stroke of luck that our legs were rubbing against each other on the bus, or that we were holding hands.

And how do you react when you don’t know how you got there or why, and feel like it’s luck? Well, you hold on for dear life of course.

I remember one time I’d been sweet on a girl for a whole week at summer camp. We hadn’t gotten anywhere in terms of being physical, but on the 3 hour bus ride home, slowly our hands came together.

I distinctly remember that once we were holding hands, my brain went into overdrive and it sounded something like this in my head: ” OMG I’M HOLDING HER HAND DON’T LET GO DON’T MOVE OMG HOLDING HANDS HOLDING HANDS OMG I’M HOLDING HER HAND DON’T LET GO DON’T MOVE OMG HOLDING HANDS HOLDING HANDS OMG I’M HOLDING HER HAND DON’T LET GO DON’T MOVE OMG HOLDING HANDS HOLDING HANDS”

You get the point. Pretty embarrassing now to admit, but that’s where I was. In a place of total baby bullness.

I was reminded of this just last week on what turned into a 17 hour bus ride in SE Asia. I was with my girlfriend, and we’re very affectionate, but it’s different – because now I’m a Papa Bull, and I know a little secret the Papa Bull knows that baby bulls don’t: I can get physical touch anytime I want it, however I want it. Because my girl is totally hot for me.

So on this bus ride, there was plenty of cuddling, hand-holding, draping of one person all over the other person, sleeping cuddled up, etc. But there were also plenty of times when we disconnected and didn’t touch. Because it was hot and we were sweaty, or one of us (usually me) just wanted my own space for a few minutes.

It’s been a long time since I’ve been on a bus ride with a girl like this and it reminded me of when I was a young teenager, and how holding hands was like the biggest deal in the world. But why?

Well, when you’re the baby bull there’s also this thing called ‘lack of experience’. You don’t know what you don’t know, because you’ve never experienced it.

Here’s the point in all this: only the baby bull holds on for dear life.

So I want you to ask yourself – are you walking down the toilet paper aisle at Target holding hands? Just stop it. Let go and be a man. There’s not a single thing romantic about the butt-wipe aisle at Target!!

Are you unable to keep your hands off your girl in the halls at school? Do you walk down the hall holding hands all the time, do you always have to give her a hug before she goes to class?

Man up, little bull, because the more you do that (and let her control things through her insecurity – I’ll explain in a moment) the more you prove you are a disposable little baby bull.

Control through her insecurity, what do you mean?

Well, let’s assume – and it’s a big assumption – that you were somewhat of a Papa Bull to land this girl in the first place. So if that’s true, then this girl thinks you’re mysterious and confident, she probably can’t figure you out, but she’s insanely attracted to you.

So part of the reason she hangs on to you is because of her insecurity about you. Constantly holding your hand or having your arm around her gives her a measure of control – after all, you can’t do your own thing if you’re holding her hand now, can you? Not even shop for A DARN ROLL OF TOILET PAPER, YOU WUSS!

If you let go now and then though, especially in times when it’s natural to do so – you know, when shopping, or any other time when you really kinda need both of your hands free to function – then you’re going to deepen the mystery even more with her. She’ll see you as even more confident, because what kind of boy lets go of the hand of a beautiful girl? No boys…but real men do.

See, the bottom line for why you let her control through physical touch isn’t actually that you’re horny. Many people might accuse you of that. It’s not the root motivation though. The core of the problem is your insecurity, which makes you ‘take what you can get, when you can get it’. i.e. the hallmark of the baby bull (“let’s run down there and get one of ’em!”).

But once you realize that she will use physical touch to control you and the relationship – because she either consciously or subconsciously thinks you’re a hornball too, and that physical touch is her trump card – then you have to choose. Are you going to be the baby bull and let her dominate you, or are you going to be a real man?

Here’s what will happen if you let go: SHE WILL WONDER WHY, AND WANT YOU MORE.

This is assuming that you do it correctly, the Papa Bull way. You don’t throw her hand down like it’s radioactive, and you don’t make any jokes about sweaty palms (that’s hurtful and immature). As with most things Papa Bull, you just let go, naturally and casually. When you want to, when it make sense to do so.

Here’s an example, using Target. It’s lame to hold hands in Target, ok? But I get it, you drove there together, you were a gentleman and opened her door for her, she took your hand. So that’s fine, walk across the parking lot holding hands. When you get to the entrance though, open the door for her, or if it opens automatically, let her go through first, and in the process, casually drop her hand.

There, that wasn’t so difficult. Now you’re in Target. Don’t hold hands anymore. With that said though, you know she’s going to try. So how do you avoid it? Well, you have to be a pretty good actor sometimes, because you never want to reject her outright.

Let me repeat that: NEVER REJECT HER STRAIGHT UP if she wants physical affection. That crosses into jerk territory, and you don’t want to go there.

But you do have to be creative. If she takes your hand, let her, but then be spontaneous and see something on the shelf, and of course you need both hands free to take it off the shelf and read the label and make a joke about it. Draino, Hallmark cards, a box of granola bars, it doesn’t matter. It’s just an opportunity for you to avoid holding hands in a place where holding hands is not romantic.

Let’s turn the tables a bit though. Say you wander into the floral section together. She tries to hold your hand. Go for it. Take a moment, be romantic, if that’s part of who you are. Maybe at this point she’s pouting because you haven’t been holding her hand, so maybe you have to initiate it, or you have to put your arm casually around her shoulder, kiss her on the forehead, say something nice to her. Then disconnect and let go again.

In all of this, if she pouts or verbally protests, and worse, if she gets angry about it, just shrug it off. Never fight with her, just be casual, like it’s no big deal. Know that those are warning signs of a very insecure girl though.

She should be able to accept the disconnect without causing a fight or making a scene. She might not like it, she might tell her friends about it and they might analyze your behavior later, but if in the moment she freaks out, you probably should look for a new girl anyway.

Same thing if after pouting when you dropped her hand in the toilet paper aisle, she then rejects your hand or arm in the floral section when you reach out to her. That’s immature.

A girl with some self-confidence will accept disconnect and accept coming back together. Read that line again.

Because that’s what happens in mature relationships, there is connection, and disconnection, togetherness, and space.

I can’t speak for all couples, but I know that in the many relationships I’ve had, it’s extremely rare to sleep through the night in each other’s arms. If you’re a young romantic I bet you find that hard to believe. You probably think it’ll be glorious to make beautiful love and then sleep wrapped up in the arms of your lover. Ha! Think again.

When it’s time to sleep, we roll over to each of our sides of my massive bed and sleep. And there’s nothing unromantic about it. What happens before sleep is quite loving. What happens in the morning is also quite loving. But there’s a time for love, and a time for sleep.

In the case of what we’ve been talking about here, there’s a time for romantic hand-holding, and there’s a time to shop for toilet paper. Don’t overlap them.

You’ll thank me later, when you realize it makes the romance even more powerful when you’re able to take a break from it when the situation is appropriate. And if she’s any kind of confident girl at all, she’ll follow your lead and respect you even more as a man.